God works in mysterious ways....

Last Sunday was the first time in a while that I had felt at peace and genuinely happy. Chris had shared his testimony that day, which was a special moment for me personally because The Holm’s have become people that I truly treasure and look up to in many ways. Chuck also spoke on love and forgiveness, which fit my current situation perfectly. After church we dined on some delicious Chinese food with amazing company, and upon our completion feasted on some fortune cookies. My fortune coincidentally read “Love is the greatest thing in life,” which I placed in my wallet to serve as a constant reminder of the message that I heard that day.

Jonathan and I had been having some problems for a while; I had finally realized a couple weeks prior that I had been angry with him for quite some time due to various situations. I let these situations rip me apart over time; my confidence was at an all time low, I was needy, and I didn’t trust him. I had an eye-opening experience (or so I thought) that Sunday, an experience that I thought I had complete control over which would fix everything that was wrong with us for the past year. My realization obviously came a bit too late, and the relationship that everyone swore would last forever was soon over the following day.

The connection between Jonathan and I was unlike anything I have ever had personally or saw in other’s relationships. It was perfect, the perfect love that I never thought I could have nor deserved. He had an amazing heart, he was trustworthy, he made me feel like I was the best thing since sliced bread (which is a huge deal considering the boy loves him some bread). He made me strive to be a better person, I looked up to the faith he had in mankind and our God, his looks made me melt, and the boy could give me butterflies, even up until our painful last days by doing nothing more than throwing a small grin my way. I didn’t know how I was going to go on without this amazing boy in my life, the boy I had built up and placed on a ridiculous pedestal, the boy I loved like I had never loved before.

My world and all the plans that I had made up in my head for the future were shattered, so I took myself away from the situation for some time to think and reevaluate what my life would now hold. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place since Monday. I have experienced various stages of being incredibly hurt, feeling alone, and infuriated (which I found usually kicked in around ten at night). I have been filled with a type of pain that I have never experienced, this wasn’t the regular heartbreak that I have had in past relationships. I felt completely broken, mislead, and lost; I honestly just wanted to disappear. I then took my feelings of anger towards Jonathan and myself and placed them towards God. I had thought that Chuck’s message was God’s way of telling me to hold tight, to let go of all of the pain from the past and start with a clean slate and things will all work out. Why did God send that message through Chuck’s word if it wasn’t going to end up making any difference in my relationship, which inevitably ended the very next day?

I kept incredibly quiet and to myself all day yesterday, which made for an incredibly awkward 3-hour car ride with my little brother who only wanted to take my pain away. I sat in silence reliving all of the amazing times we shared, wondering what was so wrong with me, why I wasn’t enough for him, why God would let this happen and lead me in such a contradictory way. We soon stopped for gas, and I ran inside to purchase a few necessary items I had forgotten to grab on my rushed escape from that small town that held so much pain. As I watched the store clerk completely ignore me and read her magazine, I reached into my wallet to grab the necessary form of payment for my items and there it was, the fortune that I had saved from that Sunday as a constant reminder for myself. I glanced at it for a good two minutes and became overwhelmed with anger and resentment, and eventually caught the clerk’s attention with a snide chuckle at my own stupidity. I exited the store with the fortune in my hand, in a rage that I have never experienced. As I walked back to the car I dropped the fortune in the parking lot, I no longer wanted any part of what that fortune meant to me and I ventured back into the car to finish the remainder of the drive.

Then it happened, my very own revelation in a truck traveling to the middle of nowhere. Chris’s testimony that Sunday was important to me because they were his words, someone I truly respect and admire. I had thought nothing more of his testimony until that moment after I dropped the fortune and we began to drive. He spoke of God’s love for us, and asking God to dismiss himself from his life because he didn’t think God was serving any purpose. Regardless of Chris’s requests to leave his life, God remained. He stated that God’s love is without question the greatest love of all; he loves us all in our highs and our lows, he loves us in spite of our fear and rejection of him. Then it hit me. I had taken Sunday’s message and the coincidental fortune completely wrong. God spoke to me through Chuck and Chris that day, but it had nothing to do with Jonathan. It had everything to do with him knowing his plan for me and knowing the pain I was about to endure. He was reassuring me that HIS love IS the greatest thing in life, and in the end that’s all I really need.

I have prayed almost daily for a very long time that God to speak to me, that he would provide me with the same love that I see he has for those around me. He finally did, and I couldn’t be more thankful. Kate always says God has the best sense of humor, and at this point I’d have to agree. I had placed Jonathan in God’s spot; I made him my own personal god to worship. The blatant fact is he never would’ve filled those shoes, and he never deserved that title nor the podium I placed him on. There’s only one man for that job, and he went well out of his way to personally show me that by delivering a swift roundhouse kick to my melon in the middle of nowhere.

Today is a new day for me, a new beginning. People come in and out of our lives for numerous reasons. I'm not certain that Jonathan’s purpose in my life is based soley off this recent revelation, and only time will tell. I will always hold a special place in my heart for the Jonathan Perkins I used to know, and I will always love him for the difference he has made in my life. Perhaps Chuck’s words were meant to help me in the future to try and forgive the anger I hold towards Jonathan and mainly myself. There is still immense pain in my heart, but I’m sure with time that will go away….besides I’ve got the only thing that matters by my side. Love.

A silly little thing called love.....

Recently I have come in contact with various situations regarding commitment, what in fact love is, and what exactly it's supposed to look like. I've always had this ideal picture of what I wanted in my head and have observed several relationships personally that I had in fact thought to be nothing less than perfect. The last week has provided some unmentionable news that has shaken me to the core, to the point of completely reconsidering all of the things I had wanted in a husband.....yet I'm not completely ready to throw in the towel.

Today's society promotes the instant gratification of casual sexual relationships, but never addresses the commitment that is supposed to go with it. Why else do you think the heartbreak exists? So many people are afraid to truly commit because of all the casual flings they've had along the way that didn't work or their heart got broken. That doesn't deter people from marrying anyway, but the sanctity of marriage is near history. Sad, well yes.....absolutely true, why yes indeed. So here's my thoughts, my wants......and I refuse to think that these concepts are extinct.

I am a member of the social group identified as "single." Regardless of the walk of life you have enjoyed or suffered, singleness is a stage of life all humans have to go through at one point or another. I look forward to the freedom that is found in being a co-dependant partner to a man that has made the mutual commitment with me to partner through the rest of our lives in that archaic social system known as [gasp]: marriage. As someone who doesn’t agree with society's new trend of "starter marriages" and rampant divorce, the desire to find a husband, in my case, a Godly-husband, is quite challenging yet I remain hopeful.


As a young woman of a Christian faith (struggling at times, yes), I desire a Godly-husband, a type of male character that is perfectly modeled after the Lord of our faith: Jesus Christ. The man I hope to marry is not perfect, far be it. He is quite human, and as such, he will do or say things that may not always be right. Yet he stands out from the rest of the world's men for two simple reasons: he is a man of faith who lives his life according the word of God, and he is a man of purpose. A husband, contrary to popular belief, doesn’t necessarily have to be the breadwinner of the family. He is one half of a two-part equation. He is responsible for loving his wife, respecting her, and in many instances being selfless. He demonstrates humility, sacrifice, faith, compromise, courage, strength, and commitment to the woman he loves by putting THEIR needs before his own and striving to love her unconditionally everyday. His responsibility is vast as he will bear the burden of being the spiritual covering, the protector, and leader of his household. He does not have super powers, nor does he have to be rich and famous. His virtue lies in his ability to step up and lead in the role in which he is called, and may often not want to do. A Godly-husband, enjoys life, spends time with his family, pursues his own interests, and does a lot of things like any other man; only the clear difference is that this man does it all for the glory of God. Whether it be rejoicing in a success at work, having boys only time, spontaneous mini vacation with the ole’ wiferooski, whatever it is, this man commits all that he does before this Heavenly Father and as such he is blessed in his purpose. The Godly-wife reciprocates the same traits and virtues and is called to respect, support and encourage her husband.

The couple will have areas of opportunity to blossom in adulthood, and will do so with the encouragement and support of a Godly-partner. Two people of like minds and faith can create a marriage founded on the right principles and have the ability to overcome the challenges of marriage to make a life long vow; as well as partner with each other to fulfill their life's goals. When selfishness or self-centeredness exists, it's a breeding ground for trouble and resentment. So I ask, honestly, are these things too much to ask for in a spouse? Not just for me, for any of you…….male or female. Why is it so hard for us to love and trust one another, and to live by the vows made on that special day?

PS: Sam, remind me to never blog again when I’m bothered by something…….I come off a bit snippy.

Introduction

Hoo-fricking-way, Megan has a blog. She's ready to share intense topics of intrigue and suspense, as well as some pretty high-larious stuff too. So visit often or you'll miss out. My work here is done.

--Sam