God works in mysterious ways....

Last Sunday was the first time in a while that I had felt at peace and genuinely happy. Chris had shared his testimony that day, which was a special moment for me personally because The Holm’s have become people that I truly treasure and look up to in many ways. Chuck also spoke on love and forgiveness, which fit my current situation perfectly. After church we dined on some delicious Chinese food with amazing company, and upon our completion feasted on some fortune cookies. My fortune coincidentally read “Love is the greatest thing in life,” which I placed in my wallet to serve as a constant reminder of the message that I heard that day.

Jonathan and I had been having some problems for a while; I had finally realized a couple weeks prior that I had been angry with him for quite some time due to various situations. I let these situations rip me apart over time; my confidence was at an all time low, I was needy, and I didn’t trust him. I had an eye-opening experience (or so I thought) that Sunday, an experience that I thought I had complete control over which would fix everything that was wrong with us for the past year. My realization obviously came a bit too late, and the relationship that everyone swore would last forever was soon over the following day.

The connection between Jonathan and I was unlike anything I have ever had personally or saw in other’s relationships. It was perfect, the perfect love that I never thought I could have nor deserved. He had an amazing heart, he was trustworthy, he made me feel like I was the best thing since sliced bread (which is a huge deal considering the boy loves him some bread). He made me strive to be a better person, I looked up to the faith he had in mankind and our God, his looks made me melt, and the boy could give me butterflies, even up until our painful last days by doing nothing more than throwing a small grin my way. I didn’t know how I was going to go on without this amazing boy in my life, the boy I had built up and placed on a ridiculous pedestal, the boy I loved like I had never loved before.

My world and all the plans that I had made up in my head for the future were shattered, so I took myself away from the situation for some time to think and reevaluate what my life would now hold. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place since Monday. I have experienced various stages of being incredibly hurt, feeling alone, and infuriated (which I found usually kicked in around ten at night). I have been filled with a type of pain that I have never experienced, this wasn’t the regular heartbreak that I have had in past relationships. I felt completely broken, mislead, and lost; I honestly just wanted to disappear. I then took my feelings of anger towards Jonathan and myself and placed them towards God. I had thought that Chuck’s message was God’s way of telling me to hold tight, to let go of all of the pain from the past and start with a clean slate and things will all work out. Why did God send that message through Chuck’s word if it wasn’t going to end up making any difference in my relationship, which inevitably ended the very next day?

I kept incredibly quiet and to myself all day yesterday, which made for an incredibly awkward 3-hour car ride with my little brother who only wanted to take my pain away. I sat in silence reliving all of the amazing times we shared, wondering what was so wrong with me, why I wasn’t enough for him, why God would let this happen and lead me in such a contradictory way. We soon stopped for gas, and I ran inside to purchase a few necessary items I had forgotten to grab on my rushed escape from that small town that held so much pain. As I watched the store clerk completely ignore me and read her magazine, I reached into my wallet to grab the necessary form of payment for my items and there it was, the fortune that I had saved from that Sunday as a constant reminder for myself. I glanced at it for a good two minutes and became overwhelmed with anger and resentment, and eventually caught the clerk’s attention with a snide chuckle at my own stupidity. I exited the store with the fortune in my hand, in a rage that I have never experienced. As I walked back to the car I dropped the fortune in the parking lot, I no longer wanted any part of what that fortune meant to me and I ventured back into the car to finish the remainder of the drive.

Then it happened, my very own revelation in a truck traveling to the middle of nowhere. Chris’s testimony that Sunday was important to me because they were his words, someone I truly respect and admire. I had thought nothing more of his testimony until that moment after I dropped the fortune and we began to drive. He spoke of God’s love for us, and asking God to dismiss himself from his life because he didn’t think God was serving any purpose. Regardless of Chris’s requests to leave his life, God remained. He stated that God’s love is without question the greatest love of all; he loves us all in our highs and our lows, he loves us in spite of our fear and rejection of him. Then it hit me. I had taken Sunday’s message and the coincidental fortune completely wrong. God spoke to me through Chuck and Chris that day, but it had nothing to do with Jonathan. It had everything to do with him knowing his plan for me and knowing the pain I was about to endure. He was reassuring me that HIS love IS the greatest thing in life, and in the end that’s all I really need.

I have prayed almost daily for a very long time that God to speak to me, that he would provide me with the same love that I see he has for those around me. He finally did, and I couldn’t be more thankful. Kate always says God has the best sense of humor, and at this point I’d have to agree. I had placed Jonathan in God’s spot; I made him my own personal god to worship. The blatant fact is he never would’ve filled those shoes, and he never deserved that title nor the podium I placed him on. There’s only one man for that job, and he went well out of his way to personally show me that by delivering a swift roundhouse kick to my melon in the middle of nowhere.

Today is a new day for me, a new beginning. People come in and out of our lives for numerous reasons. I'm not certain that Jonathan’s purpose in my life is based soley off this recent revelation, and only time will tell. I will always hold a special place in my heart for the Jonathan Perkins I used to know, and I will always love him for the difference he has made in my life. Perhaps Chuck’s words were meant to help me in the future to try and forgive the anger I hold towards Jonathan and mainly myself. There is still immense pain in my heart, but I’m sure with time that will go away….besides I’ve got the only thing that matters by my side. Love.